For the Widows in Paradise

This isn't going to be one of those happy-go-lucky-omigod-listen-to-PoundCake-as-she-makes-fun-of-society entries that you all have grown accustomed to... I won't post a hearing aid update.  I won't talk about my derby progress.  I'm going to lay down some cold hard facts that have been smacking me in the face harder than Joxer's headbutts, and quite frankly, a few things that I've been driving my self nuts holding onto.

I am severely depressed.  It's a disease I've had for a while... Those commercials with the walking, talking pills or whatever are right about one thing, "depression hurts."  It really, really does.

There are hardly words to describe the type of pain I'm in right now.  I feel like I will never stop crying.  I feel like I'm choking on air, I'm suffocating... There's this huge weight on my chest, and my heart is beating so hard that I'm pretty sure it's breaking.  I'm weak, shaking, and I feel alone and without a voice.

Many of you are wondering what could cause this type of reaction.  It's a culmination of things that boils down into one course of action that is impossible for me to take.  Long story short:

I. NEED. A. BREAK.

I need a break from work (both jobs), I need a break from school, I need a break from bills, I need a break from alarm clocks, I need a break from my car.  I need a break from this city, and all of the people in it.

I swear to god it feels like I'm dying.

I don't really know a better way to describe all of this pain...

I just know that I wish it would stop.

If you're out there reading this... Well... I want to say, "Help," but I don't know how anybody could help me right now...

What I wish the world knew about Roller Derby.

Roller derby is the only place I know where we are all different and yet still manage to accept and support each other. We are: gay, straight, bi, or asexual; virgins, sluts, poly, monogamous, kinky; married, single, heartbroken, madly in love, or simply alone. We may have never had a significant other, or we may be in committed relationships that have lasted several decades.

We are tattooed, or not. We are pierced, or not. We come in every shade of skin imaginable. Regardless of our “upholstery”, we all bleed red.

We are religious, or not. We are Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, Christian, Muslim, pagan, atheist, UU; not interested, in too deep, confused, seeking, or just trying to recover from any of the above.
We are parents, or not. We may have a house full of kids. Some of our “kids” may have fur, or feathers, or scales.

We are waitresses, doctors, musicians, artists, cowgirls, lawyers, teachers, students, and therapists. We are rich, poor, or just doing ok. Some are recovering addicts. Some of us are criminals, hopefully reformed, or at least working on it. Some of us have been homeless and know what it’s like to be hungry and alone.

As children, we may have been born to a great family, been spoiled, abused, ignored, or loved unconditionally. We grew up as nerds, jocks, preppies, bullies, outsiders, and invisibles. Some of us went to college, some did not. Some barely, or never, finished high school.
We are kind, angry, frustrated, peaceful, depressed, happy, crazy, enthusiastic, giddy, sick, and tired. We are also quiet, loud, and surprisingly shy; sometimes we exhibit all those things within a span of minutes.

We are vegans, meat-eaters, hunters, gatherers and everything in between. I think most of us in derby are addicted to bananas.

The things we do not have in common could fill volumes, but that is not important. What is important is that we meet at a skating rink, sometimes exhausted and grouchy, after a long day of work, school, and taking care of everyone else in our lives, and we work together. Strapping on skates and gear we drag ourselves onto a small oval track to sweat together, bleed together, and learn to fight fairly as we practice teamwork and communication. We work our asses off to get stronger. We each learn that no matter who we are, there is a place for us in derby. Anyone is invited to join us, to get knocked down, to learn to get up, and to always lend a helping hand to not only our teammates, but to our rivals as well.

After a hard fought derby bout the losers are quick to drop to one knee and thank the winning team, because we understand the hard work and dedication it took for them to get there. No matter the final score, there is something to be learned from everyone. We appreciate each other’s journey and commitment to this sport we love. Hopefully, when it’s time to go home, we have been reminded that each and every one of us is strong, worthy of respect, and capable of doing so much more than we ever believed. We are reminded of the value of hard work, of a common goal, and of good sportsmanship.
Most importantly, we are reminded that all our differences make no difference, because above all else, we are sisters and brothers.

That is what I wish the world knew about roller derby. Because if a band of unlikely misfits like us can achieve this, just think what the whole world could do if everyone committed to becoming each other’s family. Instead of worrying about what someone else is thinking about, who they love, or what they are doing with their private bits, what if we each focused on treating each other with care, dignity, and respect?

What if we become quick to lend a helping hand, give a needed push to get someone through a hard time, or defend our brothers and sisters from those who wish to harm them? What if we were committed to a common goal, instead of letting our own insecurities and obsessions over things that are truly none of our business drive us to senseless acts of persecution? I believe… no, I KNOW we would all be better for it. It really isn’t as hard as you think.

Life is like derby. At least I think it should be.
For the love of derby and peace,

Kinetic Rage, #71
Springfield’s Queen City Roller Derby

http://www.derbylife.com/articles/2012/08/what_i_wish_world_knew_about_roller_derby

So much rage.

Probably the most annoying thing about having hearing aids is that even when I do have them in... If I am watching TV, I need the subtitles on... STILL.  I mean, really?  Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of having hearing aids?  I need the subtitles on while I'm watching TV MOST of the time (unless it's a movie or show I'm familiar with) because it all sounds garbled to me.  Like, seriously, here is what it sounds like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9FrWak4890

And that's what it sounds like when I have my hearing aids turned up and the volume on the laptop turned up!

I don't think I need them adjusted again, I mean, they're good for in person conversations and for work, but I think there might be a reaction between them and other electronic devices?  There just doesn't seem to be a happy medium... I actually have to take my hearing aids out if the program doesn't offer subtitles, and put my headphones in order to hear.

I'm beyond annoyed.

The daily struggle

Skeeter and I fall asleep every night with his arm around me, and my head resting on his chest - my right ear against him.

If you don't know me, you don't know that my left ear is the worst.

My alarm goes off for 5-10 minutes before Skeeter wakes up and realizes what the noise is.  He has to nudge me awake, since my left ear is the only one exposed.  I lift myself up, I can faintly hear the alarm - like it's upstairs or outside... Not next to me.

I stand up and immediately must fight the desire to vomit - I must maintain my balance.  The only noise I can hear is the noise my own ears produce because of my disability - and that noise sounds like I am driving 70 miles per hour through a tunnel.

It's painful, both mentally and physically.  It exhausts me.  For the first four hours, I have 0-20% hearing.  Most days, it's 10%.

This happens EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Minimum skills, as the road to recovery.

I didn't really write about this last time, but I did mention in passing that I had attended a few practices with another team in the area.  Fun times were had by all.

The second practice that I attended with the team was a "newbie night" for them, where they had interested freshmeat come and check things out, and see if they liked it well enough to make it a huge part of their life.

The practice was geared towards the minimum skills requirements set forth by WFTDA that you have to pass in order to successfully participate as an active skater in any scrimmage or bout.  The team captain, who is a very dear friend of mine, did a great job of running down the skills for the freshmeat (and myself).

Sidebar:  I am not a veteran skater, by any means.  I am a veteran MEMBER.  I am not exactly a "freshmeat" skater.  I like to think that I fall somewhere in the category between "freshmeat" and "intermediate".  Let's just call that category "PoundCake."

Falls:

Single knee fall with 3 second recovery (you have to be able to do this on both knees)
Double knee fall with 3 second recovery
Four-point "Superman" fall with 3 second recovery
Single knee fall 180-degree turn with 3 second recovery (you have to be able to do this on both knees)

Stops:

T-Stop (you only have to do this on one foot)
Plow stop

Stepping:

Stepping side to side, front to back on your skates, and not rolling in between steps

Derby stance&strides.

^ Were a list of everything we covered at practice.  I read over the WFTDA Minimum Skills requirements again just now and I've still a bit to go, but I think it's safe to say that I'm over halfway there.  I can do MOST of the stuff in there.  I need work on a few areas, but overall... Something to be proud of.  I've come a damn long way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jY3AbzRNBQ&feature=fvwrel

^ That was basically me.

Light it.

My speech went well, I suppose - I mean, at least everybody was telling me that it went well.  I talked a little bit about my life now and then I started from kindergarten and worked my way through college (it wasn't really that long of a speech though).  I started crying about halfway through.  I was rambling on about getting teased and then took a breath to think of something to say next - I couldn't push the lump in my throat down anymore and just started blubbering about a kid in my hometown that killed himself because of bullies. Like, a little little kid.  It was tragic.  Having Skeeter there helped though, he's such a good boyfriend.

I stopped being so hard on myself and realized that nobody's going to give up on me unless I give up on myself.  I attended practice with one of the other teams in the area and that was really good fun.  I'm friends with a lot of the girls on the team anyway, so it was kinda like getting to hang out with the people I love while doing the thing I love.

I'm still learning.

We all knew I was going to be hard work, and my injuries have set me back months behind everybody else. I just need to be kind on myself.

Currently, my&Skeeter's derby pads are soaking in a bathtub with a solution compiled of Mr. Clean and Dawn.

I'm enrolled in college again, to finish up what I started.  I have one class and a CLEP test, but I guess I need to go ahead and cross reference the checklist Quagmire made up for me against my transcripts to make sure that I'm not missing a class according to WVU Tech's standards.  I think it's super cool that I will be graduating from WVU Institute of Technology, by the way.

The fucking hill that I have to walk up, combined with derby - my ass and thighs are going to be the hottest things ever.

Somehow amidst all the crazy of this week - I lost 6 pounds!

Can't you just pretend to be nice?

I made the front page of the Life section of the Register-Herald newspaper.  Here is the article:

http://www.register-herald.com/features/x1402340865/2-Cool-2-Bully

I'm pretty nervous about this whole speech thing, as far as that goes, partially because public speaking has never really been a strength of mine, partially because I have no earthly idea what I am going to say, but mainly because anti-bullying is one topic that I feel super strongly about.

The article was correct, I was bullied from kindergarten (I started when I was 4 years old) until college graduation (23 years old).  It's not fun.  It's not "cool" to bully someone.  In fact, the only time it is justified to do so is if you're bullying a bully.  Those who are undeserving should never have to go through the type of hell I did.  I was picked on by fellow students AND teachers from everything from drawing teeth on a construction paper Santa Claus (that was the bullying teacher) to being fat (students) and dating females (both students and teachers).  

Looking back, it's no surprise that I started shooting off at the mouth (a creative string of obscenities can and will be released at any point in time) and being rebellious with my drinking at such a young age.  It had nothing to do with my upbringing.  My mother was and still is the best mother anyone could ever ask for.  We've had it out, we've screamed and cried at each other until we were hoarse, but I guarantee you one thing is for certain in this world, and that is that woman raised me right.  I love her.  I talk to her every day.  There have been times where I've said horrible things and have been extremely unappreciative of the sacrifices that she's made for me, but I have almost instantly regretted and retracted them.  We'll get into the point of this story in just a moment.

I feel that quite a bit of bullies personalities begin at home.  Nobody ever looks at the parents anymore, they all want to look at society.  But, parents monitor their children's exposure to society, correct?  At least my mother did... Unless you're a completely neglectful parent, you should be doing this same thing.  Having a role model for girls who gyrates around in a bikini calling other girls "stupid hoes" is just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.  But some parents just do let their kids run around and be little assholes - but not my mom.  If I heard the phrase, "I'm getting the switch!" I puckered my mouth and rear up so hard that I wouldn't dare move.  It just seems like parents can't even discipline their child now without having someone from Child Protective Services come and scream "child abuse."  There's no grey area.  It's such a slippery slope that you can't even take their toy(s) from them.  It doesn't seem fair to me, because I was raised with a great amount of discipline, was bullied for as long as I was, and turned out just fine.  Now I'm hearing stories of kids being bullied so severely that they kill themselves, and THAT. GRINDS. MY. GEARS.

So, the family point from earlier - I brought up that point, to elaborate this one:  Tonight I had to stand up to a bully.  It was my younger cousin, let's just call her RG... RG is disabled for all intents and purposes.  A few months ago, RG and her sister JS thought it would be a good idea to come up here and hang out, get to know this side of their family. They stayed with my mom for a little bit, and then JS decided she wanted to go back home.  RG had a choice to go home or stay here.  If she went home, she would be living for free basically.  Back with her mother.  If she stayed here, she would be paying rent, living with my mother.  Long story short, RG was disrespectful and actually at one point put my niece and nephew in peril.  She recently moved back, has been trying to extortion money from my family, and has now called my mother and my mother's partner everything from backstabbers to money-hungry, when all they were doing was being landlords.  I decided to step in because I will not see my family be taken advantage of, from a bully, family member or otherwise.

I hate to admit this, but I feel it's necessary... Sometimes I'm all bark and no bite.  I talk a big game but I usually plan out what I'm going to say in my head but when I have to vocalize it, it comes out completely different.  There have only been a few instances (very few) where I have physically said something to someone that sounded the way I had planned it in my noggin.  So thank deity for texting, folks!  Because there I can say whatever I want, and word it exactly how I want, and it will somehow work out in my favor.

Part of being all bark and no bite when it really matters though, is that I get this impending feeling of doom.  My heart starts racing, I start sweating, shaking, and my face turns really red.  So all of this happened to me tonight, even rewriting it now I'm getting some of the symptoms.  However, it's something that obviously needed to be done.  It stopped the bullying, for now.  I had to have my parents promise that they would notify me if anything else was said.  I won't repeat what I said, but I was very well researched with laws, so I believe that making her acutely aware of what would happen to her if the harassment continued was the right direction to go with my messages.  I did get to use some of my more colorful vocabulary though.