For the Widows in Paradise

This isn't going to be one of those happy-go-lucky-omigod-listen-to-PoundCake-as-she-makes-fun-of-society entries that you all have grown accustomed to... I won't post a hearing aid update.  I won't talk about my derby progress.  I'm going to lay down some cold hard facts that have been smacking me in the face harder than Joxer's headbutts, and quite frankly, a few things that I've been driving my self nuts holding onto.

I am severely depressed.  It's a disease I've had for a while... Those commercials with the walking, talking pills or whatever are right about one thing, "depression hurts."  It really, really does.

There are hardly words to describe the type of pain I'm in right now.  I feel like I will never stop crying.  I feel like I'm choking on air, I'm suffocating... There's this huge weight on my chest, and my heart is beating so hard that I'm pretty sure it's breaking.  I'm weak, shaking, and I feel alone and without a voice.

Many of you are wondering what could cause this type of reaction.  It's a culmination of things that boils down into one course of action that is impossible for me to take.  Long story short:

I. NEED. A. BREAK.

I need a break from work (both jobs), I need a break from school, I need a break from bills, I need a break from alarm clocks, I need a break from my car.  I need a break from this city, and all of the people in it.

I swear to god it feels like I'm dying.

I don't really know a better way to describe all of this pain...

I just know that I wish it would stop.

If you're out there reading this... Well... I want to say, "Help," but I don't know how anybody could help me right now...

What I wish the world knew about Roller Derby.

Roller derby is the only place I know where we are all different and yet still manage to accept and support each other. We are: gay, straight, bi, or asexual; virgins, sluts, poly, monogamous, kinky; married, single, heartbroken, madly in love, or simply alone. We may have never had a significant other, or we may be in committed relationships that have lasted several decades.

We are tattooed, or not. We are pierced, or not. We come in every shade of skin imaginable. Regardless of our “upholstery”, we all bleed red.

We are religious, or not. We are Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, Christian, Muslim, pagan, atheist, UU; not interested, in too deep, confused, seeking, or just trying to recover from any of the above.
We are parents, or not. We may have a house full of kids. Some of our “kids” may have fur, or feathers, or scales.

We are waitresses, doctors, musicians, artists, cowgirls, lawyers, teachers, students, and therapists. We are rich, poor, or just doing ok. Some are recovering addicts. Some of us are criminals, hopefully reformed, or at least working on it. Some of us have been homeless and know what it’s like to be hungry and alone.

As children, we may have been born to a great family, been spoiled, abused, ignored, or loved unconditionally. We grew up as nerds, jocks, preppies, bullies, outsiders, and invisibles. Some of us went to college, some did not. Some barely, or never, finished high school.
We are kind, angry, frustrated, peaceful, depressed, happy, crazy, enthusiastic, giddy, sick, and tired. We are also quiet, loud, and surprisingly shy; sometimes we exhibit all those things within a span of minutes.

We are vegans, meat-eaters, hunters, gatherers and everything in between. I think most of us in derby are addicted to bananas.

The things we do not have in common could fill volumes, but that is not important. What is important is that we meet at a skating rink, sometimes exhausted and grouchy, after a long day of work, school, and taking care of everyone else in our lives, and we work together. Strapping on skates and gear we drag ourselves onto a small oval track to sweat together, bleed together, and learn to fight fairly as we practice teamwork and communication. We work our asses off to get stronger. We each learn that no matter who we are, there is a place for us in derby. Anyone is invited to join us, to get knocked down, to learn to get up, and to always lend a helping hand to not only our teammates, but to our rivals as well.

After a hard fought derby bout the losers are quick to drop to one knee and thank the winning team, because we understand the hard work and dedication it took for them to get there. No matter the final score, there is something to be learned from everyone. We appreciate each other’s journey and commitment to this sport we love. Hopefully, when it’s time to go home, we have been reminded that each and every one of us is strong, worthy of respect, and capable of doing so much more than we ever believed. We are reminded of the value of hard work, of a common goal, and of good sportsmanship.
Most importantly, we are reminded that all our differences make no difference, because above all else, we are sisters and brothers.

That is what I wish the world knew about roller derby. Because if a band of unlikely misfits like us can achieve this, just think what the whole world could do if everyone committed to becoming each other’s family. Instead of worrying about what someone else is thinking about, who they love, or what they are doing with their private bits, what if we each focused on treating each other with care, dignity, and respect?

What if we become quick to lend a helping hand, give a needed push to get someone through a hard time, or defend our brothers and sisters from those who wish to harm them? What if we were committed to a common goal, instead of letting our own insecurities and obsessions over things that are truly none of our business drive us to senseless acts of persecution? I believe… no, I KNOW we would all be better for it. It really isn’t as hard as you think.

Life is like derby. At least I think it should be.
For the love of derby and peace,

Kinetic Rage, #71
Springfield’s Queen City Roller Derby

http://www.derbylife.com/articles/2012/08/what_i_wish_world_knew_about_roller_derby

So much rage.

Probably the most annoying thing about having hearing aids is that even when I do have them in... If I am watching TV, I need the subtitles on... STILL.  I mean, really?  Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of having hearing aids?  I need the subtitles on while I'm watching TV MOST of the time (unless it's a movie or show I'm familiar with) because it all sounds garbled to me.  Like, seriously, here is what it sounds like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9FrWak4890

And that's what it sounds like when I have my hearing aids turned up and the volume on the laptop turned up!

I don't think I need them adjusted again, I mean, they're good for in person conversations and for work, but I think there might be a reaction between them and other electronic devices?  There just doesn't seem to be a happy medium... I actually have to take my hearing aids out if the program doesn't offer subtitles, and put my headphones in order to hear.

I'm beyond annoyed.

The daily struggle

Skeeter and I fall asleep every night with his arm around me, and my head resting on his chest - my right ear against him.

If you don't know me, you don't know that my left ear is the worst.

My alarm goes off for 5-10 minutes before Skeeter wakes up and realizes what the noise is.  He has to nudge me awake, since my left ear is the only one exposed.  I lift myself up, I can faintly hear the alarm - like it's upstairs or outside... Not next to me.

I stand up and immediately must fight the desire to vomit - I must maintain my balance.  The only noise I can hear is the noise my own ears produce because of my disability - and that noise sounds like I am driving 70 miles per hour through a tunnel.

It's painful, both mentally and physically.  It exhausts me.  For the first four hours, I have 0-20% hearing.  Most days, it's 10%.

This happens EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Minimum skills, as the road to recovery.

I didn't really write about this last time, but I did mention in passing that I had attended a few practices with another team in the area.  Fun times were had by all.

The second practice that I attended with the team was a "newbie night" for them, where they had interested freshmeat come and check things out, and see if they liked it well enough to make it a huge part of their life.

The practice was geared towards the minimum skills requirements set forth by WFTDA that you have to pass in order to successfully participate as an active skater in any scrimmage or bout.  The team captain, who is a very dear friend of mine, did a great job of running down the skills for the freshmeat (and myself).

Sidebar:  I am not a veteran skater, by any means.  I am a veteran MEMBER.  I am not exactly a "freshmeat" skater.  I like to think that I fall somewhere in the category between "freshmeat" and "intermediate".  Let's just call that category "PoundCake."

Falls:

Single knee fall with 3 second recovery (you have to be able to do this on both knees)
Double knee fall with 3 second recovery
Four-point "Superman" fall with 3 second recovery
Single knee fall 180-degree turn with 3 second recovery (you have to be able to do this on both knees)

Stops:

T-Stop (you only have to do this on one foot)
Plow stop

Stepping:

Stepping side to side, front to back on your skates, and not rolling in between steps

Derby stance&strides.

^ Were a list of everything we covered at practice.  I read over the WFTDA Minimum Skills requirements again just now and I've still a bit to go, but I think it's safe to say that I'm over halfway there.  I can do MOST of the stuff in there.  I need work on a few areas, but overall... Something to be proud of.  I've come a damn long way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jY3AbzRNBQ&feature=fvwrel

^ That was basically me.

Light it.

My speech went well, I suppose - I mean, at least everybody was telling me that it went well.  I talked a little bit about my life now and then I started from kindergarten and worked my way through college (it wasn't really that long of a speech though).  I started crying about halfway through.  I was rambling on about getting teased and then took a breath to think of something to say next - I couldn't push the lump in my throat down anymore and just started blubbering about a kid in my hometown that killed himself because of bullies. Like, a little little kid.  It was tragic.  Having Skeeter there helped though, he's such a good boyfriend.

I stopped being so hard on myself and realized that nobody's going to give up on me unless I give up on myself.  I attended practice with one of the other teams in the area and that was really good fun.  I'm friends with a lot of the girls on the team anyway, so it was kinda like getting to hang out with the people I love while doing the thing I love.

I'm still learning.

We all knew I was going to be hard work, and my injuries have set me back months behind everybody else. I just need to be kind on myself.

Currently, my&Skeeter's derby pads are soaking in a bathtub with a solution compiled of Mr. Clean and Dawn.

I'm enrolled in college again, to finish up what I started.  I have one class and a CLEP test, but I guess I need to go ahead and cross reference the checklist Quagmire made up for me against my transcripts to make sure that I'm not missing a class according to WVU Tech's standards.  I think it's super cool that I will be graduating from WVU Institute of Technology, by the way.

The fucking hill that I have to walk up, combined with derby - my ass and thighs are going to be the hottest things ever.

Somehow amidst all the crazy of this week - I lost 6 pounds!

Can't you just pretend to be nice?

I made the front page of the Life section of the Register-Herald newspaper.  Here is the article:

http://www.register-herald.com/features/x1402340865/2-Cool-2-Bully

I'm pretty nervous about this whole speech thing, as far as that goes, partially because public speaking has never really been a strength of mine, partially because I have no earthly idea what I am going to say, but mainly because anti-bullying is one topic that I feel super strongly about.

The article was correct, I was bullied from kindergarten (I started when I was 4 years old) until college graduation (23 years old).  It's not fun.  It's not "cool" to bully someone.  In fact, the only time it is justified to do so is if you're bullying a bully.  Those who are undeserving should never have to go through the type of hell I did.  I was picked on by fellow students AND teachers from everything from drawing teeth on a construction paper Santa Claus (that was the bullying teacher) to being fat (students) and dating females (both students and teachers).  

Looking back, it's no surprise that I started shooting off at the mouth (a creative string of obscenities can and will be released at any point in time) and being rebellious with my drinking at such a young age.  It had nothing to do with my upbringing.  My mother was and still is the best mother anyone could ever ask for.  We've had it out, we've screamed and cried at each other until we were hoarse, but I guarantee you one thing is for certain in this world, and that is that woman raised me right.  I love her.  I talk to her every day.  There have been times where I've said horrible things and have been extremely unappreciative of the sacrifices that she's made for me, but I have almost instantly regretted and retracted them.  We'll get into the point of this story in just a moment.

I feel that quite a bit of bullies personalities begin at home.  Nobody ever looks at the parents anymore, they all want to look at society.  But, parents monitor their children's exposure to society, correct?  At least my mother did... Unless you're a completely neglectful parent, you should be doing this same thing.  Having a role model for girls who gyrates around in a bikini calling other girls "stupid hoes" is just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.  But some parents just do let their kids run around and be little assholes - but not my mom.  If I heard the phrase, "I'm getting the switch!" I puckered my mouth and rear up so hard that I wouldn't dare move.  It just seems like parents can't even discipline their child now without having someone from Child Protective Services come and scream "child abuse."  There's no grey area.  It's such a slippery slope that you can't even take their toy(s) from them.  It doesn't seem fair to me, because I was raised with a great amount of discipline, was bullied for as long as I was, and turned out just fine.  Now I'm hearing stories of kids being bullied so severely that they kill themselves, and THAT. GRINDS. MY. GEARS.

So, the family point from earlier - I brought up that point, to elaborate this one:  Tonight I had to stand up to a bully.  It was my younger cousin, let's just call her RG... RG is disabled for all intents and purposes.  A few months ago, RG and her sister JS thought it would be a good idea to come up here and hang out, get to know this side of their family. They stayed with my mom for a little bit, and then JS decided she wanted to go back home.  RG had a choice to go home or stay here.  If she went home, she would be living for free basically.  Back with her mother.  If she stayed here, she would be paying rent, living with my mother.  Long story short, RG was disrespectful and actually at one point put my niece and nephew in peril.  She recently moved back, has been trying to extortion money from my family, and has now called my mother and my mother's partner everything from backstabbers to money-hungry, when all they were doing was being landlords.  I decided to step in because I will not see my family be taken advantage of, from a bully, family member or otherwise.

I hate to admit this, but I feel it's necessary... Sometimes I'm all bark and no bite.  I talk a big game but I usually plan out what I'm going to say in my head but when I have to vocalize it, it comes out completely different.  There have only been a few instances (very few) where I have physically said something to someone that sounded the way I had planned it in my noggin.  So thank deity for texting, folks!  Because there I can say whatever I want, and word it exactly how I want, and it will somehow work out in my favor.

Part of being all bark and no bite when it really matters though, is that I get this impending feeling of doom.  My heart starts racing, I start sweating, shaking, and my face turns really red.  So all of this happened to me tonight, even rewriting it now I'm getting some of the symptoms.  However, it's something that obviously needed to be done.  It stopped the bullying, for now.  I had to have my parents promise that they would notify me if anything else was said.  I won't repeat what I said, but I was very well researched with laws, so I believe that making her acutely aware of what would happen to her if the harassment continued was the right direction to go with my messages.  I did get to use some of my more colorful vocabulary though.

Insane in the membrane.

They finally put the bios up on the website, so you guys should come check it out!  Here's mine:

http://www.beckleyareaderbydames.com/kapowndcake.html

Here's the link to all the other fabulous dames:

http://www.beckleyareaderbydames.com/dames.html

Yesterday was one hell of a day... I had been talking with Cupcake the day before about my hopes and dreams for future bouts and I definitely got a doozy of information and some firecracker-up-my-ass motivation.  So yesterday at practice I tried to hang in there as long as I could - a few minor stretches when I really REALLY couldn't take it anymore- but I was good.  I did a pack drill that threatened to break my ribs (and I think that it might have broken a couple).  When I fell, the bottom part of my ribcage bounced (literally, BOUNCED) off the top of my thighs and the wind was knocked straight out of me.  I've had the wind knocked out of me before, but it never ceases to amaze me how terrifying it could be.  I had to turn over and lay for a minute.  Then the nausea happened.

I'm not a pussy by any means, but thinking even for a second that I could be sidelined with "motion sickness" (or whatever the fuck it is that happened to me at that exact moment) just filled me with fire.  I spat a few times into the trash can, took a swig of my fruit juice, and skated back out on the floor.

Then, it happened.

Sadly, I can't be in any more pack drills until I am agile enough that my captain feels it is safe for both myself and the other skaters.  I don't really blame her, but have you just ever wanted something so bad?  It literally pains me to think that my injuries have set me back so far from the rest of the girls.  I just want my shot.

But I have literally gone through hell and back with this team and there's no backing out now.  Every single time I get an injury, I'll get back up and keep on skating.  I will not quit.  I will not allow failure to reign over me.  No way.

Something sexy, with skates.

Ladies and gentlemen... There is a BADD girl calendar in the works.  :)  It is going to be sexy, with skates, and themes for each month.  I will send you more details when we get them, but here is a list of the dames representing each month:

January:  BADD team photo
February:  BADD Refs (Sgt. Squishy and Hottrod)
March:  Burn N Kel & Bodacious Baxter
April:  St. Brawly Girl & Windy Hellstorm
May:  Neuron Nihilator & Whatha Hill
June:  Starkiller & Phyllis Killer
July:  Blonde Bruiser & Miss Acquitted
August:  BADD Freshmeat photo
September:  Skulletta Lynn & Shank N Stein
October:  Cupcake Cadaver, Peanut Buttkickher, & Dolly Rotten
November:  Yula B. Hurtin' & Bonnie Blowtorch
December:  kaPOWndcake & April O'Kill

It's going to be awesome!  Get ready for the raddest, BADDest calendar under the sun!!!

Let me work on this.

I really need to start doing this thing on a regular basis.  That was part of the beauty creating this in the first place, the promises of regular updates and the exciting life of a deaf derby girl.  But, I digress... My time away has given me some insight and some ideas for future entries.

Hearing aid update:

I went back to the doctor and he turned them up.  Now I can turn them down when there's a loud piercing annoying noise (such as a brat screaming in the store... we ALL know there's a difference between a spoiled cry and a legitimate cry), and I can turn them up when I need to focus on a one-on-one conversation or the television.  So, good news. :)

HEARING AID BATTERIES ARE EXPENSIVE!  It's like $15 for an 8 pack or some shit, which isn't saying a lot because I have dual hearing aids that need to be changed out every week!  I mean, I like to hear, but damn, I like to eat too.

So, June 3rd!!!

And, most recently... July 7th!!!

I was so goddamn excited!  I mean, honestly, nothing compares to the hard work we've put in and getting results from that hard work!  HARD is always an excellent group of girls, and to be friends with them off the track is just an amazing thing.

July 21st Skeeter and I will be driving to Charleston to NSO (Non-Skate Official) for the Chemical Valley Rollergirls... They're friends of ours as well and great supporters of BADD.  Afterwards, we'll be crashing on McKilla Guerilla's mattress so Skeeter can hang out with one of his friends (Nick, McKilla's husband) and I can hang out with McKilla and Jennacidal. :)  Derby Awesome Overload!

So that's my deaf and derby update... 

I said something last post about incorporating more beauty and truth into my life.  I guess I need to provide you all with some sort of explanation for that.

Truth is, I'm not the same person I used to be.  The same things don't make me laugh anymore, I don't like the same music, the same fashion, the same jokes... The people I once found attractive I don't anymore.  I'm just... Different.  You can blame that on derby or you can take it at face value:  People. Fucking. Change.  They just do.  Rae told me recently that women don't actually fully develop their tastes or mindsets until they're 27.  And I know for GODDAMN sure that I'm not finished growing yet... My appetite has even changed.

I s'pose I'll address this here... Good of place as any...

With this growth I have discovered that certain people I once had in my life and even were thrilled TO have in my life just didn't fit in anymore.  One of these people happened to be one of my very dear friends that I have had since high school.  'Round bout 9 years... Maybe 10.  I'm no good at math.

I used to like all the same things that this person did, including chatting on the phone at the drop of a hat and even daily correspondence.  But as my life has gotten busier and I have changed more and more, talking to them, let alone ANYONE had become more and more of a chore.  I just didn't feel like it.

The backlash I got every time it would happen would publicly embarrass me that I could be friends with someone so childish, someone so crass.

Eventually I just got tired of having to explain myself after I had several times before... It was always just the same thing, and it SUCKED.

With the elimination of this person from my life I was called selfish, childish, and that I would, for lack of a better phrase die alone.  That I had thrown away everything for derby, my boyfriend, my cat, and independence.  So to that, I say, fuck yes.  WHAT ELSE DO I NEED IN LIFE BESIDES MY AUTONOMY, CAT, BOYFRIEND, AND ROLLER DERBY?!  A SPORT THAT LITERALLY BREATHED LIFE INTO ME???  You're not the only person that I banned from my life and I guarantee you won't be the last.  And I fucking PROMISE you that it wasn't because of derby.  It was because you were a selfish fucking BRAT who can't stand when people just don't want to talk to you.  I mean honestly, I can't put it any other way than that.  There are still people in my life and on my friends list that were there before derby and they're there now.  They'll continue to remain there as long as their friendship is worth investing in.  Yours just wasn't.  I don't need that negativity in my life, after explaining myself, COUNTLESS times about why you shouldn't be offended.  

In the end, I just didn't know what to do.  So I did the only thing I knew would make me happier in the end.

Shuck 'em yourself.

There are too many thoughts swirling around in my head in order for me to legitimately write a legible entry.

I hurt my knee.  So I was off skates.  Now I'm back on, because I really want a shot at making the July roster for Red, White, &Bruise.

My team celebrated its first win over HARD (Heart of Appalachia Roller Derby) on May 19th.  We won by 5 points.

I'm getting serious about healthier living and incorporating beauty and meaning into my life.  I just don't want to hate myself anymore.

I got a promotion at work.

I also got elected as Interleague Coordinator for my team.  That's a very interesting position, I get to plan after parties and present the opposing teams with bout contracts and all that.  I'm so excited!

I'm psyched to come into my own and have people see me the way I wish they would, and I'm ready to be the best skater that I can be.

Yula said something to me, "You're Cupcake's prodigy."  And, dear lord, I hope that's true.  I wish she molds me and shapes me into the best damn thing I can be.  If I can even be as half as talented as she is, I would be honored.

Falling apart to halftime.

I want to preface this by saying that while I write, my cat thinks my arms and chest are a bed.

See?

Yesterday was my update with good ol' doc.  He kept me longer than five minutes this time, actually, I told him that sometimes it's not hard to hear at all but high pitched background noises really irritate my hearing aids, so I turn them down whenever something goes awry at work.

But I did tell him that sometimes my own voice sounds muffled.  The appointment before this, I told him the same thing and he said that it's usually caused by not having the hearing aid turned up all the way.  I wear them turned up all the way all the time.  It's usually just muffled in a public setting, when I'm talking to someone one on one or when I'm with the team without any background noise (i.e., meetings) it's not that difficult to pick up on my own voice.

So he turned the hearing aids up.  I like that now I can hear my own voice when I'm at work and not have to struggle to know if I'm loud enough.  The only downside is that I no longer have the option to block out most sounds, so if there's a really terrible alarm problem at work, I might have to pop my hearing aids out until it gets resolved.

Practice was interesting.

I'm sick already so I went in there shortness of breath (which didn't really bother me during practice that much) and bad knees.  On Monday a couple of the girls and I decided to go to the skate park to work on our minimum skills.  I haven't passed yet because I was injured the first round of testing back in December, so I had to wait on us to get adequate fresh meat on the team.  We finally did.  But I digress... We're all at the park working on our skills and talking about the assessment when we get this great recreational idea to hop on the bike trail with our skates because it's about as wide as one lane on the track, we could practice pack skating.  NOT a bad idea AT ALL, except it was dark and that path is barely lit up.  I fell.  A lot.  I tripped over rocks, and it wasn't the falling that hurt so much, but the aftermath.  I knew my knees have been screwed up for a while, but I didn't quite understand the extent until Tuesday, and again yesterday.

I had Cupcake feel my knees because I know she has issues with hers.  She looked shocked that mine were scraping and popping with every bend.  She had Hollywood feel them.  Then Jennifer.  Then Bruiser.  It was just a heartbreaking moment.  I mean, will I make my knees work for me before this assessment?  I feel like I have to.  I have never wanted anything this bad in my life.  To be out there with the rest of my teammates, not feeling like I'm letting them down by having to watch from the sidelines because I keep getting hurt due to my inexperience and failure to be as mobile as they are.  Derby becomes them.

Hollywood told Skeeter that I had a derby girl heart.  I think that's all she needed to say.  That's all anyone ever needs to say.

Oh, no, God...

There's nothing really that new on the hearing aid front.  It's still really difficult to hear people talking if there is any type of background noise happening.  Even on the phone!  It's frustrating because I thought that hearing aids were going to be a quick overnight fix to my, "Huh?" and "What?" 's on the phone, but I've been let down.  Pisses me off.

Today was practice and I got my ass kicked by the endurance drills.

Warm-Up Drill:

- Sprint from one end of the rink to the other, when you reach the end do a four-point (Superman) slide, get back up, sprint to the other end of rink, do the same thing.
- This went on for about 10 minutes I guess?

I had to modify after the first couple of falls.  I was really shaky getting up, and very slow, so Hollywood told me to just touch the walls on both ends after sprinting.  She believes that with a couple weeks of conditioning that my endurance will be up and that I'll be able to keep up with the rest of the skaters.

Jammer Hell Drill:

- Sprint for 2 minutes, roll it out for 30 seconds.
- I'm not sure how long this went on for.

The Angel and the Asshole Drill:

- The Angel puts on the Jammer panty.
- The Asshole puts on the Pivot panty.
- The Blockers move in pack formation.
- The Angel gets through the pack by communication, no illegal hits, nobody should hit her because she is the "angel".
- The Asshole gets through the pack by any means necessary.  Illegal moves are allowed and encouraged.
- I was both the Angel and the Asshole, and they were awesome!  I loved being the Asshole more though.  I skated the opposite direction on the track and fell in the middle of the pack, I skated behind the pack and dove into them.  I skated behind them and yanked Squishy back causing him and a couple other people to fall?

Eeyore Drill:

- We were split into 2 teams (red and blue).
- We were given a stuffed Eeyore toy that we had to pass amongst our teammates after 5 seconds. 
- If we were knocked down, or knocked out of bounds, the Eeyore toy was given to the opposite team.

Hit Somebody! Drill:

- While skating in a pack, Hollywood, Mr. Hollywood, and Sonic Wave called our names, and told us what to do (fall, throw a hit, and who to throw it to).

During the Eeyore Drill, a few girls tripped, and I took 3 skates (that's 12 wheels) to the back of my left ass cheek and thigh.  I am in SO much pain right now.  Plus I have to work tomorrow, which I am not happy about because it was unexpected.  I won't get another day off until Wednesday.  :(

My new body and paychecks better be worth this shit.

My body's broken, yours is bent.

I used to love driving and now I look at it like something of a chore.  I woke up this morning and drove an hour and a half to Wytheville so the doctor could look at me for 10 minutes and tell me that he couldn't do any adjustments to my hearing aid this early into me having it.

He said that any adjustments to make it normal wouldn't do any good because normal, to me, is being deaf.

So he said that they would see me back in "a week or two" to check and see if I'm adjusting to my environments.  They scheduled me for next week but I'm going to get that pushed back a week because I'll be goddamned if I'm going to drive down there next week just to sit down with him for ten minutes again before he tells me nothing at all and sends me all the way back home.  That's 3 hours I could have spent working so that I wouldn't have had to miss practice tonight.  Fuck that noise.

In other news... Jenna is getting married next weekend, a wedding in which I'm a bridesmaid... THE FIRST WEDDING THAT I AM A BRIDESMAID (in which the bride wasn't my mother).

In not-so-new-news, Joxer is awesome and I'm in love.

The missing

I don't really feel like myself today... I miss Morgantown.  Kara and Terry are the only ones left up there.  Rae is in Texas and everyone else is just... gone...

And then my other friends from here... Karen moved back to Maryland, Aleah lives in North Carolina.  The rest of my friends have families and it's so hard to coordinate our schedules.  I just want to let you all know that I miss you so much, and I'm lonely.

The microwave screws with my hearing aid, I'm guessing.  I was heating up lasagna and when the timer beeped my hearing aids got really quiet.  After the beeping stopped they got really loud again.

I had to stay home from practice yesterday per Hollywood's orders because my knee is seriously jacked up.  I don't even know what I did to it, so I'll probably get it looked at Wednesday or something.  I just know that I can't bend it outward (like you would if you were putting your shoes on) and that sucks really bad.  It also hurts to get in and out of bed and stand for long periods of time.  My knee won't lock into place and tries to give out on me.

I don't need this shit.  I cannot be injured through another minimum skills.  I have to be out on the track with my team.  I won't accept defeat.  Not this time.  So if missing a couple of on-skate practices means that I'll be ready by the time evaluation happens, so be it.

In other news...

Every me and every you

I think I pulled a muscle at the top of my thigh Wednesday at practice, but it hurt only that night and only today.  No in between.  Maybe it's the way I skate?  I have no idea.  So, practice...

Practice was great!  Hollywood Hiplash ran practice because Cupcake Cadaver (our captain) was in Charleston NSO-ing a Chemical Valley Roller Girls bout (along with a few other of our teammates).  I had texted Hollywood yesterday and asked if she could work with us on stuff that we would need to pass for minimum skills since myself, along with the freshmeat girls were going to be there today.  So she did. 

Everything was great, except we had to skate the opposite direction on the track.  If you've never had to do this, you really cannot even begin to comprehend how difficult it is to change EVERYTHING - your perception, your leg position, etc.  It strained the muscles in my left calf so bad that they kept cramping... So I guess I'll have to up my intake of bananas and orange juice.  Plus my back was not in the best shape today...

I'm not really sure what's going on.  I'm falling apart!  The top inside of my left thigh is hurting, my back is bad, and my coccyx started acting up again only AFTER I skate.  Fuck that noise.  I'm not trying to be hurt before another minimum skills.  I can't tell you all how much I DESIRE being out on that floor, bolting that inside line and knocking down any bitch that gets in my way.

Anyway, more about practice:

We did die drills.  She split us up into two groups, the first group rolled the die.  Whatever number the die landed on, they skated that many laps.  We waited in the middle and rolled our die.  My group rolled the number 4 EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  It might have been fine had we been skating in the CORRECT direction on the track, but we weren't.  Opposite direction.

Then we did an obstacle course drill to help with the minimum skills.  Hollywood set up cones in a bunch, and we had to walk on our toe stops to get through them.  I would have done it, but nobody brought their wrench today and for some god awful reason, my toe stops are two different lengths.  After that we skated to one corner of the floor and there were cones lined up for us to weave in and out of.  After that we skated to the second straightaway and there was a broom handle for us to jump over.  And rounding up the obstacle course were cones diagonally placed to work on our laterals.  I can hop.  I just don't trust my skates to catch me (although I did hop a few times today and know that I can do it - so why can't I trust them?)

My laterals are fine.

If I pick up speed I'm good at weaving.

I don't know how this toe stop business is going to work out.  I'm top heavy because of my fat tummy so I'm like, "Oh jesus fuck I'm going to fall."

We moved on to a long drill and I forget what it's called.  But it's a series of skating combined with whistle blowing and you do what they tell you to do.  T-stops, tomahawk stops, plow stops, skating on one foot, scissors, sticky skate (basically weaving your legs opposite one another without picking the feet up), and hops, and then just skating in between (and/or sprinting).  First we did it going in the right direction and then we did it counter-clockwise (FML).  I fell, and I knew I had momentum behind me when I actually SLID across the floor.  I FELL SMALL THOUGH.  Curled in a ball, slid on my knees and got right back up like a weeble.

The only other drill we did was a pack drill.  We all lined up in 3s (2 people were in the back because of the odd number) and when the whistle would blow one person skated out of the front line to the back of the pack, and the pack would have to move up and fill the gap.  It was very useful considering we were really close and constantly moving IN the pack formation, which will really help us on the track.

I think I can get some speed behind me.  Tomorrow I'm going in just a little early and attempting the 25 in 5 just to see how many I can get.  It's harder than it sounds, but like I said... I honestly believe that I can get some speed behind me.  So I guess we'll see.

From the beginning

I've had a few requests from friends on Facebook to cover how I came to be deaf in the first place.  Here is that story.

When I was a freshman in high school I was walking down the stairs to go to health class when I heard a high pitched ringing in my left ear.  It was like one long, annoying beep and when it went away, I was completely deaf in that ear.  I freaked out and ran to the office.  They called the school nurse in.

Obviously above her level of expertise, all they could do was call my mom and tell her what had happened.  We went to my doctor who recommended me to an audiologist in Beckley.  She conducted a hearing test and found that my left ear hearing was significantly less than my right ear hearing, which was nearly perfect.

Since I was so young, my mom's insurance covered the hearing aid that they provided for me.  It fit in my ear pretty well, was flesh colored (not nearly as large as the ones I'm wearing now, but we'll get to that in a moment) and just had one button to make things quieter or louder.  It was advanced for technology in 2001, but not nearly as advanced as what is available today.

I loved that having my left ear hearing aid allowed me to hear.  But it squeaked a lot, ate up batteries, and made the skin around the hearing aid scab and bleed because of the rubbing.

So I stopped wearing it.

At the time, we didn't think that my hearing was going to get any worse.

I started worked at a car company in July 2010.  I was a phone operator for the entire dealership.  No call came through the dealership without coming through my office first.  The phones rang nonstop.  And they weren't pleasant ringers, either.  These were loud, annoying, nails-on-a-chalkboard ringers that are on the same level of annoying as the loud trucks that sound like a Yetti is taking a shit and REALLY trying.

Anyway so this car company... I mentioned in my last post that the ringers started annoying my ears (probably because they're annoying - AMIRITE?!)  I started getting this sound in my ears that sounds like you're in a car, on the interstate, with the windows down, and go through a tunnel.  You know the sound.  And if you don't, take a drive down to Bland, VA sometime.  It's loud.  And it hurts.  And you can't hear a damn thing.

Back to the doctor.  We switched doctors because we like to shake things up every once in a while (that's actually true, but the real reason we switched is because we just wanted a different opinion).

The Wytheville doctor mentioned Miener's disease.  Vertigo, that noise, and deafness were all symptoms of it.  But this doctor was just trying to focus on helping the vertigo... No bueno.

My mom is really search savvy and found a doctor in Roanoke.  The best of the best.  Mr. I-Specialize-In-Special-Cases-Because-I'm-Special.  He decides to actually DO something and treat me as I do have Miener's even though there's not really a way to confirm that I have it (nothing showed up on the one THOUSAND tests that they ran on me to find the damn thing).

His treatment helps, he put me on Valium to help combat the vertigo, which is fair... Any day that I don't puke because the room is spinning is a good day for me.  And even though it helps it doesn't make it go away entirely.

I met with the Department of Rehab Services and they tell me about everything that's available to me... Free internet, a talk-to-text landline phone, and finally, my hearing aids.  Double hearing aids chickachickayeahhhhh...

So ANOTHER audiologist who runs ANOTHER hearing test (it makes the grand total somewhere around 23168746516354 hearing tests, I think?) and comes to the conclusion that I have 10-18% in my left ear and 50-65% in my right ear.  Both fluctuate thanks to the Miener's.

The day I got the call to get fitted for my hearing aids was one of the greatest days ever.  I was working the morning shift at work and checked my messages when I went on break.  Super stoked.

Last Friday I got fitted for them.  I picked them up yesterday.  They are a pair of Phonak Cassia In the Ear hearing aids in flesh tone.

http://www.phonak.com/com/b2c/en/products/hearing_instruments/styles-10/ite.html

Anyway, that's my history.  Thanks for sticking through that.

It's pleasant to hear the birds sing

One of the benefits of just getting hearing aids is that all of the jobs that I was ineligible to fill before have suddenly became available to me.

For instance, I was an operator once, for a car company in southern WV.  Some of you already know this story, and know the hell I went through trying to keep the job when my hearing started deteriorating.  There's not a doubt in my mind that my hearing got worse listening to that damn phone ring every single minute, and getting no sympathy from my succubus coworkers and boss that refused to let me turn my ringer off even after I explained to them (and gave them a doctor's note explaining the problem) that the ringer was irritating my hearing (or lack thereof).

So not only can I hear the person on the other end of the line now, I can actually hold the phone a good six inches away from my ear and still hear them perfectly.

I decided to look up jobs that I wouldn't have been able to do two days ago.

They are:

POLICE TELECOMMUNICATOR (4 Positions)
Pay Grade: 7 (20,472 – 37,884)

Description: Receives, responds, transmits, answers, and/or verifies messages and/or inquiries received over communication equipment. Operates all applicable radio equipment/computer terminal/telephone equipment, dispatches/receives radio/computer data/telephone communications. Ability to type accurately at a rate of 25 w.p.m. Shift work required.

OFFICE ASSISTANT II 

Pay Grade: 5 (18,552 – 34,332)

Description:

Performs full- performance level work in multiple-step clerical tasks calling for interpretation and application of office procedures, rules and regulations.                   

These found options were then followed by a letter that I e-mailed to the Personnel department of the WV State Police:

Dear Sir or Madam:

After searching the West Virginia State Police website, it has come to my attention that I am qualified and interested to fill two of the positions listed, and would like to know more about the process I should follow to apply for these positions. They are as follows:

Office Assisstant II, Troop O, Criminal Records Section
Police Telecommunicator, Troop 6 (Beckley)

Thank you.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday's a killer

I got my hearing aids today.  At first I thought it was going to be awesome, but already I have some major issues that I need to work out with good ol' doc when I go back next week.

1.)  I need 3 different programs in my hearing aids already.

•  Work has a noisy ice machine, constant beeping, and noisy customers that want to chat.  So I need an adjustment to cancel out the background noise from the scanners and ice machine so I can focus on the customers.
•  At home my boyfriend plays his video games while I'm working online or reading.  Even though he has the game turned down very low, it sounds like I'm standing next to a jet engine.  I need an adjustment to cancel out the background noise from his game so I don't keep yelling at him to turn it down.
• In the car I listen to music while I drive but the wind is so loud against the windows if I have them rolled all the way up.  I need an adjustment to cancel out the background noise from a road trip.

... See a pattern here?

Everything is so loud and it's such a different environment for me.  It's frustrating to think that I'll have to wait an entire week for this to be fixed... I've waited over a year for these hearing aids so I could hear something, and while I'm so happy that I do have them, I'm impatient with the fact that now I have to wait another week to hear less (albeit, LOUD) things.

I don't believe there will be any trouble hearing my teammates.  We do a really great job of screaming out orders when need be.

Practice was great today.  I made it through everything, but I did notice that I need to incorporate some potassium into my new nutrition lifestyle because I kept getting the calf cramps that I used to get when I was a kid.  And they're happening in my stomach now, too, which is just a deal-breaker.  It's like, "Okay, body, I get it, you've had enough!" But I haven't.  I never feel fully satisfied from practice unless I leave feeling like I'm going to die.

So how's about my first post, eh?  Eh?  Anyone?  Ah, you've all been a good crowd...